The Dehrings

***This is going to be one of my most personal and emotional post to date***

At the end of January, I officially found out that I was pregnant. We were both extremely excited about the new addition we were adding to our family. However, at the time we tried to keep it on the down low. We did not want to add to much more to everyone due to Tim being in the hospital during the time. I was so happy that we finally had the baby that  we have wanted for some time now. I was looking forwards to all the things that came along with having a baby. We had talked about getting a new crib, trying cloth diapering, and much more. We were ready to take this on and enjoy the ride we were about to embark on. PURE HAPPINESS was in hand!!!!

On February 5th, Tim and I celebrated our six year anniversary (The only good thing that month).  The next day Tim was released from the hospital. That was day our whole life would change in a way we never expected it to. When I got home from work that day, I began bleeding. (Sorry for the details). I figured it was due to doing too much at work so I never thought anything of it (due to everything stopping when I was relaxing at home). I went to the hospital to get Tim and spent time with him that was well needed. Well as the next week came, the bleeding didn’t stop. On the 11th, it all started to really scare me. That was the day our world feel apart.

We went to the emergency room that afternoon after I got home from work. They did some blood tests, an ultrasound, and a few other things. Once everything was done, they came back and gave us the news. They did confirm the pregnancy. There was a baby and the heart beat was at 78 beats per minute. However, the doctor told us that the heart beat was too weak and that I would miscarry the baby. I have never cried so hard in my life. This was the news that we DIDN’T want to hear. My heart has never hurt that much ever! The next day we told everyone about the pregnancy as well as the possibility of loosing the little one. It was pure sadness on both end of the spectrum.

So the next few days, I did everything I could possibly think of to give this baby a chance. I took it easy at work, had my work hours shortened, and came home and rested all evening. I thought the doctors were wrong and felt I could do something to change the outcome. I still believed this baby had a chance to make it.

On Tuesday morning the 16th, we went back to the emergency room. Of course things were getting worse from the previous visit we had. I was actually scared and just knew deep down inside that something was really, really, really wrong. So at 1:30 am, doctors are having blood drawn, doing ultrasounds, and other things. During the ultrasound, I was officially informed on why I was miscarrying the baby. The reason was that the egg sac was abnormally shaped and the baby wasn’t able to grow. I felt a little better because I thought it was something I did. An hour or so later we were told I was beginning to lose the baby. We went home waiting to see what was going to happen next. The next day I lost the baby

I honestly have to say that this has been the hardest thing we have ever dealt with in our lives. I still do not understand why we were the ones chosen to have this happen. I keep asking myself, what did we do wrong? and why would we lose the baby we really wanted? No matter how many questions I ask myself, there is never a true answer I can give myself to make it all better.

I have had a lot of hard days and it has only been three weeks. We are constantly reminded daily of our loss when we see pregnant woman or babies. (Don’t get me wrong, we are happy for those who are having babies. Bringing children into the world is the greatest thing woman can do.) I begin to tear up, feel empty, and just go into silent mode. Just my way of dealing with it. The hardest thing right now is that we will NEVER get to hold our little one, know if Kalyssa would have had a baby brother or sister, get to watch him/her grow up, and so much more. SO HEARTBREAKING!!

The good thing is that we decided that we would try for another one. I could not live with myself knowing the last baby we had tried for was lost. I cannot wait for this to happen

** Thanks for sitting through this and understanding the pain we are going through. I hope that nobody else ever has to go through something like this. Cherish the ones you do have and the ones you are blessed with because things can change in the shortest of time and change your whole world!!***

As I sit here sipping a cup of hot chocolate, listening to my three year old playing with her kitchen set, and hearing the television in the back ground, I decided that it is time to write my first official blog post of the new year.  I honestly cannot believe that the new year is here already. Last year surely came and went in a blink of an eye. Last year brought a lot of things that made everything a little hard, but hopefully this new year will bring better things. I am hoping that all that comes our way this year is positive, wonderful, and life changing.

So far we have not had the exact start that we wanted. We all have battled being sick the last few days. Kalyssa started out coming down sick for a few days. Then Tim came down sick for a few days, it went away, and then it came back again. I actually have been a little lucky. I have only dealt with a sore throat and a little head cold, but I am not going to make a big deal out of it. If I do, I will be the next one to get sick and it will not be good at all. The other thing that did not go so well, was the fact that my car decided to leak power steering fluid everywhere the other night when visiting with neighbors. So right now it is sidelined  and Tim’s car has no heat….. looking pretty great huh???? Good thing that Tim’s dad has allowed me to use his truck to go back and forth to work. For that I am very thankful!!! Amongst all of this so far this year, we did actually have something really good happen. The other day, Tim had a job interview. We should be hearing back from them to see if he got the job or not. We are waiting patiently and hoping for good news on that front! For me, work is still crazy. We have definitely slowed down a little bit. The winter weather is starting to really slow us down. However, the last few weeks I have been working crazy hours. I have pretty much took over the position as an Assistant Manager (although that is not my title) due to the fact that we do not have a restaurant manager. We have not had one  for some time. However, we are all hoping that this gets figured out soon. Only time will tell when this will be taken care of!

With the turning of the year, everyone wants to know what everyone’s new year resolutions are. I have not made any resolutions to lose weight or anything like that. Mine are more realistic to me and what I am doing right now. My biggest one is to spend more time with Tim and Kalyssa (together and separately). I have also decided that I want to get back in touch with friends/family that I have not spoken with for some time. So once or twice a month, I am going to write a letter or email to someone just to catch up and just to see how they are. Not sure exactly who I am going to start with, but I hope it will be successful. I also decided that I want to try things that I may have never done before. I need to live a little bit more and enjoy everything that I have. I also want to get back to being me and finding the person I really am. I get so swept up in all the things that are going on around me that I forget about myself. A little “me” time would be good not only for me, but for my family as well. Those are just some, however, I am sure that more will come as the year progresses on!

Before I head off of here for the night, there are a few craft things that I have decided that I want to do this year. The first thing is to buy myself a real good sewing machine so I can get back into sewing. I also want to learn how to knit and quilt. I also want to be more creative in my sewing. I will definitely show you all everything that I come up with and what I do!

I hope everyone’s new year brings them everything that they want and good night world!