RSSFebruary—The Worse Month Ever
Mar 06
Family, Life, Personal Feelings No Comments
***This is going to be one of my most personal and emotional post to date***
At the end of January, I officially found out that I was pregnant. We were both extremely excited about the new addition we were adding to our family. However, at the time we tried to keep it on the down low. We did not want to add to much more to everyone due to Tim being in the hospital during the time. I was so happy that we finally had the baby that we have wanted for some time now. I was looking forwards to all the things that came along with having a baby. We had talked about getting a new crib, trying cloth diapering, and much more. We were ready to take this on and enjoy the ride we were about to embark on. PURE HAPPINESS was in hand!!!!
On February 5th, Tim and I celebrated our six year anniversary (The only good thing that month). The next day Tim was released from the hospital. That was day our whole life would change in a way we never expected it to. When I got home from work that day, I began bleeding. (Sorry for the details). I figured it was due to doing too much at work so I never thought anything of it (due to everything stopping when I was relaxing at home). I went to the hospital to get Tim and spent time with him that was well needed. Well as the next week came, the bleeding didn’t stop. On the 11th, it all started to really scare me. That was the day our world feel apart.
We went to the emergency room that afternoon after I got home from work. They did some blood tests, an ultrasound, and a few other things. Once everything was done, they came back and gave us the news. They did confirm the pregnancy. There was a baby and the heart beat was at 78 beats per minute. However, the doctor told us that the heart beat was too weak and that I would miscarry the baby. I have never cried so hard in my life. This was the news that we DIDN’T want to hear. My heart has never hurt that much ever! The next day we told everyone about the pregnancy as well as the possibility of loosing the little one. It was pure sadness on both end of the spectrum.
So the next few days, I did everything I could possibly think of to give this baby a chance. I took it easy at work, had my work hours shortened, and came home and rested all evening. I thought the doctors were wrong and felt I could do something to change the outcome. I still believed this baby had a chance to make it.
On Tuesday morning the 16th, we went back to the emergency room. Of course things were getting worse from the previous visit we had. I was actually scared and just knew deep down inside that something was really, really, really wrong. So at 1:30 am, doctors are having blood drawn, doing ultrasounds, and other things. During the ultrasound, I was officially informed on why I was miscarrying the baby. The reason was that the egg sac was abnormally shaped and the baby wasn’t able to grow. I felt a little better because I thought it was something I did. An hour or so later we were told I was beginning to lose the baby. We went home waiting to see what was going to happen next. The next day I lost the baby 
I honestly have to say that this has been the hardest thing we have ever dealt with in our lives. I still do not understand why we were the ones chosen to have this happen. I keep asking myself, what did we do wrong? and why would we lose the baby we really wanted? No matter how many questions I ask myself, there is never a true answer I can give myself to make it all better.
I have had a lot of hard days and it has only been three weeks. We are constantly reminded daily of our loss when we see pregnant woman or babies. (Don’t get me wrong, we are happy for those who are having babies. Bringing children into the world is the greatest thing woman can do.) I begin to tear up, feel empty, and just go into silent mode. Just my way of dealing with it. The hardest thing right now is that we will NEVER get to hold our little one, know if Kalyssa would have had a baby brother or sister, get to watch him/her grow up, and so much more. SO HEARTBREAKING!!
The good thing is that we decided that we would try for another one. I could not live with myself knowing the last baby we had tried for was lost. I cannot wait for this to happen 
** Thanks for sitting through this and understanding the pain we are going through. I hope that nobody else ever has to go through something like this. Cherish the ones you do have and the ones you are blessed with because things can change in the shortest of time and change your whole world!!***
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